It’s very difficult to express the pain that I have carried and continue to carry because of abuse that occurred in my childhood. I won’t lie to you and tell you it made me stronger because it didn’t. It changed me in ways that are tragic and unless you are a doctor you probably won’t understand the extent of the psychological devastation. At first my coping strategy was called “repression”. This involved burying the traumatic memories in a place where I could not access them. Eventually this strategy no longer worked and I began to be haunted by my memories. I remember the day I was tied to the kitchen table to be tortured and broken. I remember crying out: “Please don’t hurt me, I’ll be good!” What possesses someone to hurt an innocent child?
For most of my life I have been depressed. I have suffered from memory blackouts and in some ways I feel like I have lost a lot of my life. I am not the person I could have been or should have been and if it were not that I believe in an after life, I would be full of anger, and sometimes the anger returns in spite of my resolve to try to live as best as I can because I feel I was robbed of a life that could have been so different. If only someone had intervened to help me!
When the repression ended and I began to remember the trauma, I was angry, furious in fact. I tried to get closure, but there was none to be found and I would never hear the words “I am sorry”. In fact the person who hurt me insists that they are the victim and I am a liar accusing them of horrible things that never happened. That was almost as bad as the abuse itself, for my pain not to be acknowledged.
Holding the hand of Jesus I have now found closure. I look forward to eternity with God and I accept the loss that I have endured. I still suffer from some depression but I am coping and surviving. In fact, I am hopeful and I try to be positive and grateful for the things I have, focusing less on the things I have lost.
When I was a little girl I used to sing this song: “I am woman”. I remember putting a towel on my head because I wanted to have long hair and I would sing “I am woman hear me roar…Yes I have paid the price, but look how much I’ve gained. If I have to I can do anything. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman!” If I had to change the words of the song so they make sense I would sing: “Yes I have paid a price, but look how much I’ve gained. God is strong! He is invincible! And I am HIS woman!”
I unite my pain to the Cross of Jesus and say to you today: No child should have to pay the price of being abused, but life is not always fair. I have forgiven those that have abused me and I want Jesus to forgive them. I pray the words Jesus said when He was crucified. “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34
Thank You for loving me so much Jesus that You would die for me. Thank You for helping me to find hope and meaning when I thought all was lost. Thank You for always being there for me God.
If you are reading this, please join me in praying for those who have been abused and for those that abuse. The power of our prayer and God’s love will bring healing and hope.